Timberlake

I find myself living in a constant state of confusion.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can at times grow tiresome.  However, the confusion can at times actually be inspiring.

I'm currently listening to a Justin Timberlake song.  This may not mean much to most people, but to me it is almost an awe inspiring experience.  This man, once a boy whom I despised for no good reason other that his membership in N'Sync, has managed to transform himself into an entertainer whom few can equal, much less surpass.  I found myself growing more and more fond of him as I watched his acting career progress, and then he put out an album which I didn't immediately despise.  In fact, I actually liked it, which struck me as a bit odd.  I'm an oldschool goth/industrial/metal kind of guy, but also a self professed fan of Yanni.  It was when I saw him perform live that I was utterly captivated.  Not only is he a magical performer, but he also surrounds himself with brilliant musicians whom he has no trouble sharing the stage and limelight with.  After being so captivated I began to watch him in interviews, and could only find myself marveling at his humility and brilliance.  To find myself so utterly enthralled by someone I used to utterly despise...well, that was a bit of a shock.

Growth.  That is what this signifies to me.  I have grown as a person, and as a human being.  I'm now able to truly appreciate beauty in all its many forms, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I was such a person before now.  I mean, I liked (and still do adore) Yanni for god's sake.  I was a well rounded person, at least musically, right?  Wrong.  Utterly, profoundly, completely wrong.  I was a slave to "cool", and liking Justin Timberlake was the farthest thing from cool as you could get.

Now I will continue to listen to this brilliant musician and performer rock the pants off of me (and countless others) in a recorded live performance, wishing as hard as any teen girl that I was actually there to see this spectacle.  Mock me if you wish, and if you've read anything I've written before you will know that I couldn't possible give less of a fuck.  Another true sign of growth.  I really don't care what anyone thinks anymore.  I used to believe that I didn't care, but I really did.  So much.  So much in fact that it really did hurt.  Badly.

I've quite literally been through hell, and crawled out the other side.  My own mind has battered and bruised me far worse than another human could possibly dream of doing.  I still have thoughts daily that would likely make the average person shit their pants.  Such is life.  Such is my broken mind.

For over a year I've done little more than hide away and smoke tremendous amounts of pot in an attempt to numb the pain enough to put myself back together.  Now I take my first tentative steps back into the real world, and find myself in a new and very strange place.  I say this because I recently quit smoking weed.  My crutch was not ripped away from me, but willingly thrown.  I have to get a real job, and make real money, to support my very real son and his blessed, holy saint of a mother.

The pain will never leave.  My mind may be far more ordered now thanks to the year of seclusion, but it will forever remain broken.  I know this now.  Time to suck it up buttercup.  The only thing I can hope for is that I have grown through the experience.  I now view the world in a completely different, and hopefully better way.  Money means nothing to me.  Things mean even less.  I have no desire to have money, and only wish to use it to help others.  As for things, I want only that which can fit into the cab of an eighteen wheeler.  Things that will allow me to live, and perhaps even provide a bit of enrichment and yes, entertainment.  Maybe even play a Justin Timberlake song or two.

Thank you Justin, you will never know what you have done for me, and that is perfectly fine.  I can only hope to enrich the lives of others, and maybe even open their eyes to the truth as you have for me, even if it is in the very strange and roundabout way you have done so for me.