Ladies and gentlemen! I welcome you to the first ever installment of Piss Off All the Fuckers!
This show type thing, existing entirely within my broken mind, has only one purpose. See how badly I can piss fuckers off. You, my gentle readers, may or may not be said fuckers. Thusly, I may just manage to piss you off with my vitriolic spewing of rage towards things I despise. I'm not sorry if this happens, as you are obviously fuckers if it does.
And now, on with the show!
Today's topic is the big one. The thing that may just get me shot: God. Namely, the modern Christian take on God.
Hey, start things off with a bang, right?
***
God. The bearded white guy in the sky. Sitting upon his judgmental cloud of righteousness. The fucker who supposedly started all this shit, then wiped it all out, and started it again with one hell of a lot of inbreeding. (Explains a lot if you think about it.)
I fucking hate him.
Why, you ask? How could I possibly hate my supposed creator? Allow me to explain.
IF God is real, and IF he did actually create all of this and all of us, he's a dick. A massive fucking donkey wang.
First off, allow me to attack the basis of the Christian religion. Christ.
So, God is omnipotent. He made all, sees all, and knows all according to some book a bunch of desert dwelling savages wrote ages ago.
At some point he shat out man, then stole a rib (which we somehow got back apparently) and made woman. Looked at her and said, "woo! Man!" (thanks Bill Cosby)
He set them free in a paradise, then told them they could do anything but eat from a couple of trees. Basically, he sat a toddler down in front of a deck of buttons and said push any one but the GIANT FUCKING RED ONE IN THE CENTER.
Guess what happened.
Supposedly a talking snake had something to do with it as well, but he really seems redundant at this point aye?
So now the entire human race is saddled with a sin they had no hand in committing. See, kind of a dick move.
Time goes on, a lot of death and sex go down, and God finally decides we no longer need to be sinners at birth. We're doing just fine on our own, thanks.
He's omnipotent, remember? So does he wave his godly hands and erase the sin? Well fuck no, that makes entirely too much sense!
Instead, he decides to knock up a MARRIED human woman with...himself. Some Arkansas shit going down here.
So he is born and promptly disappears for decades, only to return after having obviously spent some time at a hippy commune. He then proceeds to spread an awesome message of peace and love. Something modern Christians really need to take notes on. Then, at the peak of his hippy goodness, allows himself to be nailed to a cross as a sacrifice to...HIMSELF, in order to absolve the original sin. Not only is he a dick, but one fucked up masochist as well.
Making the religion about some poor Jew getting nailed to a plank of wood, instead of the wonderful message said Jew was spreading is a dick move in my book.
Oh, but you say that man has corrupted the message and I shouldn't blame God. Well, I've been repeatedly told that the Bible is "the word of God". Lick me.
Now that I've delved into that completely fucked up tale, let's move on.
This world is shit. Pain, suffering, and strife are commonplace. They always have been. Not just at the hands of man, often following their interpretation of God's word. No, there is sickness and disease, unexplained accidents, and a myriad other things that have nothing to do with man.
Cancer. Why would a loving god allow such a thing to exist? He's a dick, that's why. Donkey wang.
Cancer took my father from me when I was 17. A time of massive change and upheaval in my life. A time when I needed my father the most. Fuck cancer.
People suffer and die every day under the stewardship of this supposedly loving creator. If he truly exists, and is truly omnipotent (an idea I think I've pretty much poked enough holes in to sink a battle ship), why can't he make the world a place worth living in? Why does there have to be pain and suffering at all?
You guessed it, he's a dick.
I'm sure I'll get many responses of the God works in mysterious ways variety. Well...fuck his mysterious ways, and fuck him.
I think you can probably gather by now that I don't believe in God. I have no need for him. I do not fear eternal damnation, and wouldn't need said fear to keep me from fucking people over in the first place. I have a conscience. I don't fuck people over because it's wrong, not because some sadistic dickhead is watching me from atop a cloud.
I often hope I am wrong though. I hope there is a God and I have to stand before him in judgement. I assure you, it won't go down quite the way you think. The judgment will be coming from me. I will be the one to flip him the bird, moon the bastard, and give the ultimate FUCK YOU before being booted down into yet more pain and suffering.
It's going to be epic.
***
I hope you have enjoyed the first ever installment of Piss Off All the Fuckers. If not, then why in the fuck are you still reading? What possessed you to make it this far? Don't blame me, you're the fucking idiot.
In coming episodes, I will yet again tackle religion and it's deleterious effects on human society. I will also move on to politics, bad music, terrible books, shit movies, and anything else that pisses me off and might just piss off a few fuckers.
Be sure to tune in! (Or don't. I'm just a crazy man with access to the world. Thank you Internet!)
Goodnight!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Magic PIll
I received a huge compliment today. Someone I highly respect posted on Facebook saying that I needed to write another blog. So without further ado, let's get on with this thing.
This post will be a sober one, as I spent last night reaching a state somewhere a couple of light years beyond shit-hammered. Also, I happen to be on call until seven this morning, and thus risk loosing my job if I indulge in certain alcoholic libations. I hope it is as entertaining, though I won't be using my favorite word quite as often. Fuck for those who were wondering.
Perhaps it's the lingering hangover, or maybe just my mindset today, but I find myself feeling quite somber today. This isn't a new thing. In fact, it's something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. Depression, the doctors call it. Mainly so they can launch pills at your face with a slingshot.
Why does the answer always have to be a fucking pill? Feeling sad? Take this pill. Feeling some heartburn? Eat better? Well fuck no! Just take this pill and shove more greasy, processed bullshit down your face hole. Getting fat? Here, take this GOD DAMNED pill instead of getting off of your lazy ass!
I'm not saying that some things don't require the use of pills and medicines, so please don't come at me with that tired ass argument. All I'm saying is that every little ailment doesn't require a pill. In the case of depression and mood disorders, a healthy dose of willpower and a change in lifestyle can work wonders. Besides, no one said that a person should be happy all the time. Up's and down's are a part of life. Deal with it.
Let us not even get into the horrid fucking side effects. I still get a laugh at all of these commercials on TV for different medicines. The fact that they are advertising for drugs is fucking mind blowing enough. That should be something discussed with a doctor, not chosen because of happy people on a commercial who's fucking herpes was obviously keeping them from kayaking. While watching these happy, herpes ridden wretches do their thing, the announcer lists all of the possible side effects for the herpes bane. No more outbreaks, but you'll go blind, grow hair on your palms, and...oh wait...
If you want a good laugh, look up Herpex on YouTube.
The hangover is winning though. My thoughts are more muddled than a Bob Dylan song. So, there is my mini rant for the evening.
I'm done for now.
Good night.
This post will be a sober one, as I spent last night reaching a state somewhere a couple of light years beyond shit-hammered. Also, I happen to be on call until seven this morning, and thus risk loosing my job if I indulge in certain alcoholic libations. I hope it is as entertaining, though I won't be using my favorite word quite as often. Fuck for those who were wondering.
Perhaps it's the lingering hangover, or maybe just my mindset today, but I find myself feeling quite somber today. This isn't a new thing. In fact, it's something I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. Depression, the doctors call it. Mainly so they can launch pills at your face with a slingshot.
Why does the answer always have to be a fucking pill? Feeling sad? Take this pill. Feeling some heartburn? Eat better? Well fuck no! Just take this pill and shove more greasy, processed bullshit down your face hole. Getting fat? Here, take this GOD DAMNED pill instead of getting off of your lazy ass!
I'm not saying that some things don't require the use of pills and medicines, so please don't come at me with that tired ass argument. All I'm saying is that every little ailment doesn't require a pill. In the case of depression and mood disorders, a healthy dose of willpower and a change in lifestyle can work wonders. Besides, no one said that a person should be happy all the time. Up's and down's are a part of life. Deal with it.
Let us not even get into the horrid fucking side effects. I still get a laugh at all of these commercials on TV for different medicines. The fact that they are advertising for drugs is fucking mind blowing enough. That should be something discussed with a doctor, not chosen because of happy people on a commercial who's fucking herpes was obviously keeping them from kayaking. While watching these happy, herpes ridden wretches do their thing, the announcer lists all of the possible side effects for the herpes bane. No more outbreaks, but you'll go blind, grow hair on your palms, and...oh wait...
If you want a good laugh, look up Herpex on YouTube.
The hangover is winning though. My thoughts are more muddled than a Bob Dylan song. So, there is my mini rant for the evening.
I'm done for now.
Good night.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
New and Shiny
Fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck!
There, now that you know what to expect, allow me to introduce you to my new blog. I have pondered over how to start a blog for quite some time now, and I think that pretty much sums up exactly what this blog will be about. My thoughts, my musings, take on religion (oh, get ready baby), politics (*insert video of a nuclear blast here*), and cats with their faces shoved into a piece of bread (seriously, WTF?).
I honestly have no idea what this will evolve into. I can only say that the title is very fitting. Madness ensues. I will not hold back. I will not concern myself with the feelings of others, no matter how loved (sorry Sis, I did warn you). I will tear into everything I possibly can, with absolutely no rhyme nor reason, and most likely abuse the English language as I often do myself. That is to say unmercifully, and unashamedly.
If you don't like it, fuck off. If you do, fuck right on in. By the way, I adore the word fuck. It is the most versatile word in the entirety of the English language, and thus deserves to be used as often as possible. FUCK. Yeah.
I'm currently perched on a cheap ass fold out couch my room mate so lovingly allowed me to lay my head upon when I fall into that comatose state known as sleep. Otherwise I would be laying my over-sized cranium (HEED! PANTS! NOW! - lets see who catches that movie reference) upon the floor. Our new apartment has very nice carpet by the way. My computer sits with it's case torn open and exposed to the world (fucking POS overheats otherwise), much like the neurons of my brain seem to be when exposed to the sheer amount of human stupidity I am exposed to daily. The monitor rests upon a cheap ass, plastic chest of drawers...thing. I have no idea what it is besides a WalMart-special storage bin. Yet again, donated by my awesome room mate. I have little to my name, besides a history of stupid fucking decisions that have led to my current lot in life. That is a tale to be expounded upon in this blog, however. No need to blow my load so soon. I will say that women will be the fucking death of me. My keyboard rests upon my knees. Look mom, I can type without looking!
Where the fuck was I?
Um....fuck.
Should I even keep this stupid fucking ramble going? Oh, fuck yes! The rum flows through my veins, and the nicotine dangles from my lips. The Sisters of Mercy moan their gothy bullshit into my ears. The time for rambling is at hand.
No, wait. YouTube has decided that I need to hear yet another godforsaken ad, followed by the sweet sound of...The Cult. FUCK YES! Fuck yes to The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary, not the ad that reminds me of my age and just how much I have grown to loathe the internet. I can remember a time when YouTube didn't try to sell me shit. I can remember a time when the internet was a land of pure freedom, and not infected by the perversion of Capitalism our society has embraced. Again, more on that later.
Oh yay! Another ad I pay no attention to, besides that fucking annoying female singsong voice. Goddamn fuck. Oh wait, it's followed by more Cult. Yeah!
Damn, I just keep typing. When will this end? Who fucking knows. When I get tired and decide to use this fucking couch thing for sleep instead of using it as my pedestal for drunken ranting.
FIRE WOMAN! If you don't know this song, you are dead to me. Get off my goddamn planet.
Oh yeah, blog.
Um...well fuck, I don't know. Enjoy, or don't. This isn't for you, it's for me. This blog may or may not be easier to follow in the future. I may just be this shit-hammered when I decide to post again. I promise no schedule whatsoever. I mean, read the fucking title. Thoughts and Musings of a Madman. That really should tell you something. I'm cutting loose. I just don't fucking care what anyone thinks anymore. The insanity lurking within the confines of my mind demands release.
I could probably keep this going for quite some time, but Ian Astbury has reminded me that I really want to be a rock star. Too bad I can't sing, or play any instrument. Fuck it, I'll just drink a bit more and drift off into a fantasy of being on stage, rocking out in front of thousands of adoring fans. Who hasn't had that fantasy? Pussies.
Ok, moment of clarity time. If you have made it this far, I hope to have shocked you either into reading this blog, or fucking right off. Yes, fuck really is my favorite word. Yes, I am likely batshit insane (read the fucking title!). Yes, this will be a lot of goddamn fun. For me at least, hopefully for you as well. I do hope to make the blog itself much more coherent, though even more shocking because of it. If you are offended already, then good fucking luck. If not, come with me. We will explore the rabbit hole together.
Good night. Good day. Whatever applies.
There, now that you know what to expect, allow me to introduce you to my new blog. I have pondered over how to start a blog for quite some time now, and I think that pretty much sums up exactly what this blog will be about. My thoughts, my musings, take on religion (oh, get ready baby), politics (*insert video of a nuclear blast here*), and cats with their faces shoved into a piece of bread (seriously, WTF?).
I honestly have no idea what this will evolve into. I can only say that the title is very fitting. Madness ensues. I will not hold back. I will not concern myself with the feelings of others, no matter how loved (sorry Sis, I did warn you). I will tear into everything I possibly can, with absolutely no rhyme nor reason, and most likely abuse the English language as I often do myself. That is to say unmercifully, and unashamedly.
If you don't like it, fuck off. If you do, fuck right on in. By the way, I adore the word fuck. It is the most versatile word in the entirety of the English language, and thus deserves to be used as often as possible. FUCK. Yeah.
I'm currently perched on a cheap ass fold out couch my room mate so lovingly allowed me to lay my head upon when I fall into that comatose state known as sleep. Otherwise I would be laying my over-sized cranium (HEED! PANTS! NOW! - lets see who catches that movie reference) upon the floor. Our new apartment has very nice carpet by the way. My computer sits with it's case torn open and exposed to the world (fucking POS overheats otherwise), much like the neurons of my brain seem to be when exposed to the sheer amount of human stupidity I am exposed to daily. The monitor rests upon a cheap ass, plastic chest of drawers...thing. I have no idea what it is besides a WalMart-special storage bin. Yet again, donated by my awesome room mate. I have little to my name, besides a history of stupid fucking decisions that have led to my current lot in life. That is a tale to be expounded upon in this blog, however. No need to blow my load so soon. I will say that women will be the fucking death of me. My keyboard rests upon my knees. Look mom, I can type without looking!
Where the fuck was I?
Um....fuck.
Should I even keep this stupid fucking ramble going? Oh, fuck yes! The rum flows through my veins, and the nicotine dangles from my lips. The Sisters of Mercy moan their gothy bullshit into my ears. The time for rambling is at hand.
No, wait. YouTube has decided that I need to hear yet another godforsaken ad, followed by the sweet sound of...The Cult. FUCK YES! Fuck yes to The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary, not the ad that reminds me of my age and just how much I have grown to loathe the internet. I can remember a time when YouTube didn't try to sell me shit. I can remember a time when the internet was a land of pure freedom, and not infected by the perversion of Capitalism our society has embraced. Again, more on that later.
Oh yay! Another ad I pay no attention to, besides that fucking annoying female singsong voice. Goddamn fuck. Oh wait, it's followed by more Cult. Yeah!
Damn, I just keep typing. When will this end? Who fucking knows. When I get tired and decide to use this fucking couch thing for sleep instead of using it as my pedestal for drunken ranting.
FIRE WOMAN! If you don't know this song, you are dead to me. Get off my goddamn planet.
Oh yeah, blog.
Um...well fuck, I don't know. Enjoy, or don't. This isn't for you, it's for me. This blog may or may not be easier to follow in the future. I may just be this shit-hammered when I decide to post again. I promise no schedule whatsoever. I mean, read the fucking title. Thoughts and Musings of a Madman. That really should tell you something. I'm cutting loose. I just don't fucking care what anyone thinks anymore. The insanity lurking within the confines of my mind demands release.
I could probably keep this going for quite some time, but Ian Astbury has reminded me that I really want to be a rock star. Too bad I can't sing, or play any instrument. Fuck it, I'll just drink a bit more and drift off into a fantasy of being on stage, rocking out in front of thousands of adoring fans. Who hasn't had that fantasy? Pussies.
Ok, moment of clarity time. If you have made it this far, I hope to have shocked you either into reading this blog, or fucking right off. Yes, fuck really is my favorite word. Yes, I am likely batshit insane (read the fucking title!). Yes, this will be a lot of goddamn fun. For me at least, hopefully for you as well. I do hope to make the blog itself much more coherent, though even more shocking because of it. If you are offended already, then good fucking luck. If not, come with me. We will explore the rabbit hole together.
Good night. Good day. Whatever applies.
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