The idea of past lives has always fascinated me. The idea that this isn't the only run I get on the old dirt ball, and that I may have in fact been walking the same path for aeons, forever growing and evolving as a spiritual entity. I have to admit the thought is a rather tempting one. It taps into the primal need of any creature to continue on. To survive.
There are many ideas of what may lie beyond death. Everything from eternal torment to everlasting pleasure has been thought up throughout the course of human history. One has to wonder why that is. We are born in this age surrounded by countless different ideas on what death is, and what may come after. To us, spirituality is something that almost comes naturally. However, that couldn't have been the case for the first humans to dream up such concepts. They would have literally been the first, with no ideas to influence or shape their thoughts. The idea of a god or gods is very easy to explain, as people have an innate need to understand the natural occurrences around them. A god that controls such thing is an easy explanation, leaving people free to dream up other things. Perhaps this is where the idea of the afterlife arose, with the need to continue on driving a desire to forever be with the gods. Who can really say in the end? Also, does it even really matter?
While it may be a fun mental game to try and dream up where things may have began, the fact remains that they did, and still remain to this day. Even in the age of scientific wonders, almost every person on this planet believes on some level that they will continue on in spirit after the body dies. Why is that? Could it be that our subconscious mind knows something we do not, and dreamed up such simplistic concepts for our conscious mind to hold onto? Perhaps. Perhaps not. We will all find out one day, whether we want to or not.
The only idea that has ever really resonated within me was that of reincarnation. For some reason, it just sounded right, if a bit too simplistic. I have always felt that if humanity ever does discover a spiritual "world" in our scientific pursuits, it will most closely resemble the ideas behind reincarnation. There has never been a good reason for me to feel this way, but I always have, and will likely continue to do so for the rest of my life. However long that may be.
Death doesn't really frighten me. Even as a child, I was fairly comfortable with the thought of death, and understood what it meant on a deep level. That person, pet, or random creature will never exist again. Ever. The idea always forced me to stop and ponder the implications of the word "forever". It was such a wonderful concept, endless infinity, and I wrapped it around me like a blanket.
As I grew older, the truth of mortality began to set in. I lost some of that necessary innocence of childhood, and things within my blanket of forever began to take on hard edges. Shades of brilliant, dancing color became trapped within prisons of black and white. Things either were, or they weren't. It was as simple as that. With that dramatic change, is it any wonder I am a manic depressive as an adult?
Nearing my 33rd year, those edges are now beginning to loose some of their definition. The stark black and white that has for so long invaded my forever are now beginning to leak color once more. The truth I have sought all my adult life peeks out with those colors, tempting me back to the blissful innocence of childhood. Now with an adult's analytical mind, I am delving back down into the core of my being. Opening forgotten doors, and flooding my life, my very reality, with a brilliant light I had forever thought lost.
With that light comes the feeling deep within my heart that I have done all of this before. In a sense. The struggle to reach some sort of enlightenment has driven me onward through the years, stumbling to keep up more often than not. I have a lot of karmic debt that has followed me into this life, but that doesn't mean what most people will think. I am in no way being punished for misdeeds, but instead feeling the guilt of countless wasted lives. Sorrow and misery have been my companions for quite some time, and I only have myself to blame. Much as I have done through most of this life, those lives were spent searching for the truth. The answer to it all. I have raped and pillaged in search of the truth, and I have lived the simple life of a peasant farmer. Can I tell you specific details of these lives? Of course not, but somehow I know that they were lived. The wisdom of their lives lies deep within me. A fickle well that can sometimes be tapped.
Of course none of those people are me, and I am none of those people. We simply share...something. Some connection that bridges the years. Many have called it the soul, others have the idea of genetic memory. Whatever proves itself to be true, I feel the pleasure and the pain of those lives deep within my heart at all times. It is often faint, and in constant flux, but always there. It mixes itself with my own feelings and thoughts, and often shows me a good idea from a bad one. Most people call this their gut instinct, and I still do as well. I simply feel that there is more to it than would initially appear. It would seem the trick is to learn to listen better. To quiet your own mind and body, and search through the past for the answers. How often does one lament a bad decision, often stating that they should have listened to their gut? Perhaps by learning to listen better, such things need no longer happen.
From this point forward I am embracing my inner truth. I seek enlightenment and peace, and in turn I hope to bring peace to those who pass through my life. For too long, perhaps far longer than I can even imagine, bitterness and anger were my gifts to the world. I wish to change this, and hopefully change myself in doing so.
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