Love

As I sit here on my balcony after a long shift at work, beer in hand and cigarette dangling from my lips, I find myself pondering a great many things in life. Love, happiness, dreams; these things and the concepts behind them all run through my mind.

I have spent the entirety of my adult life in an ultimately fruitless search for love. I have shared love with quite a few women over the years, love I would consider pure and true in its own time. Lasting love has always slipped through my fingers however.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why. In the past such thoughts, and the feeling of intense loneliness that came with them would consume me. Now I find myself looking at things objectively; asking why I am even really concerned with such things.

Perhaps it is the human need for companionship, but in truth that rings hollow. When you look at our closest genetic relatives, you find a different approach to love and companionship. Monkeys and apes don't try to form monogamous relationships, and in truth are more likely to fuck anything that moves. I could get into the pack mentality and alpha male/females, but that really isn't the point. The point is, why do humans feel the need to find "The One?"

I blame our culture and society. Everything from religion to Disney movies teach us that we are destined for this great love. That we will find our supposed soulmate and live out our lives in happiness. This simply isn't true, even for those lucky enough to find someone they can love their entire lives, much less tolerate that long. Relationships aren't easy. They take a lot of hard work and effort. Because we are indoctrinated from such an early age to believe in this soulmate nonsense, when the hard times hit we often loose faith in what we have and begin to search for something that is more real, more pure. I am just as guilty of this as anyone else.

I haven't found that person that I can tolerate for the rest of my life, though it isn't for lack of trying. I'm sure my friends would be happy to attest to this. I've spent the majority of my adult life in one relationship or another, constantly seeking the fulfillment I was promised. Failure after failure can lead to a bitterness that eats away at you. I simply stopped caring, or at least thought I had. In truth, I cared more than ever.

These days I find myself blessedly free of the bitterness, but still lacking the desire to continue the search. I simply don't care anymore about finding someone to love. I no longer wish to squander that energy and time that could be better spent.

I have something else that fills that void to overflowing. I have a love more pure than anything I could have imagined in my wildest dreams. A relationship unlike any other on this planet. Something worthy of my undying devotion.

The love of my son.