Piss Off All the Fuckers: Episode One

Ladies and gentlemen! I welcome you to the first ever installment of Piss Off All the Fuckers!

This show type thing, existing entirely within my broken mind, has only one purpose. See how badly I can piss fuckers off. You, my gentle readers, may or may not be said fuckers. Thusly, I may just manage to piss you off with my vitriolic spewing of rage towards things I despise. I'm not sorry if this happens, as you are obviously fuckers if it does.

And now, on with the show!

Today's topic is the big one. The thing that may just get me shot: God. Namely, the modern Christian take on God.

Hey, start things off with a bang, right?

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God. The bearded white guy in the sky. Sitting upon his judgmental cloud of righteousness. The fucker who supposedly started all this shit, then wiped it all out, and started it again with one hell of a lot of inbreeding. (Explains a lot if you think about it.)

I fucking hate him.

Why, you ask? How could I possibly hate my supposed creator? Allow me to explain.

IF God is real, and IF he did actually create all of this and all of us, he's a dick. A massive fucking donkey wang.

First off, allow me to attack the basis of the Christian religion. Christ.

So, God is omnipotent. He made all, sees all, and knows all according to some book a bunch of desert dwelling savages wrote ages ago.

At some point he shat out man, then stole a rib (which we somehow got back apparently) and made woman. Looked at her and said, "woo! Man!" (thanks Bill Cosby)

He set them free in a paradise, then told them they could do anything but eat from a couple of trees. Basically, he sat a toddler down in front of a deck of buttons and said push any one but the GIANT FUCKING RED ONE IN THE CENTER.

Guess what happened.

Supposedly a talking snake had something to do with it as well, but he really seems redundant at this point aye?

So now the entire human race is saddled with a sin they had no hand in committing. See, kind of a dick move.

Time goes on, a lot of death and sex go down, and God finally decides we no longer need to be sinners at birth. We're doing just fine on our own, thanks.

He's omnipotent, remember? So does he wave his godly hands and erase the sin? Well fuck no, that makes entirely too much sense!

Instead, he decides to knock up a MARRIED human woman with...himself. Some Arkansas shit going down here.

So he is born and promptly disappears for decades, only to return after having obviously spent some time at a hippy commune. He then proceeds to spread an awesome message of peace and love. Something modern Christians really need to take notes on. Then, at the peak of his hippy goodness, allows himself to be nailed to a cross as a sacrifice to...HIMSELF, in order to absolve the original sin. Not only is he a dick, but one fucked up masochist as well.

Making the religion about some poor Jew getting nailed to a plank of wood, instead of the wonderful message said Jew was spreading is a dick move in my book.

Oh, but you say that man has corrupted the message and I shouldn't blame God. Well, I've been repeatedly told that the Bible is "the word of God". Lick me.

Now that I've delved into that completely fucked up tale, let's move on.

This world is shit. Pain, suffering, and strife are commonplace. They always have been. Not just at the hands of man, often following their interpretation of God's word. No, there is sickness and disease, unexplained accidents, and a myriad other things that have nothing to do with man.

Cancer. Why would a loving god allow such a thing to exist? He's a dick, that's why. Donkey wang.

Cancer took my father from me when I was 17. A time of massive change and upheaval in my life. A time when I needed my father the most. Fuck cancer.

People suffer and die every day under the stewardship of this supposedly loving creator. If he truly exists, and is truly omnipotent (an idea I think I've pretty much poked enough holes in to sink a battle ship), why can't he make the world a place worth living in? Why does there have to be pain and suffering at all?

You guessed it, he's a dick.

I'm sure I'll get many responses of the God works in mysterious ways variety. Well...fuck his mysterious ways, and fuck him.

I think you can probably gather by now that I don't believe in God. I have no need for him. I do not fear eternal damnation, and wouldn't need said fear to keep me from fucking people over in the first place. I have a conscience. I don't fuck people over because it's wrong, not because some sadistic dickhead is watching me from atop a cloud.

I often hope I am wrong though. I hope there is a God and I have to stand before him in judgement. I assure you, it won't go down quite the way you think. The judgment will be coming from me. I will be the one to flip him the bird, moon the bastard, and give the ultimate FUCK YOU before being booted down into yet more pain and suffering.

It's going to be epic.

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I hope you have enjoyed the first ever installment of Piss Off All the Fuckers. If not, then why in the fuck are you still reading? What possessed you to make it this far? Don't blame me, you're the fucking idiot.

In coming episodes, I will yet again tackle religion and it's deleterious effects on human society. I will also move on to politics, bad music, terrible books, shit movies, and anything else that pisses me off and might just piss off a few fuckers.

Be sure to tune in! (Or don't. I'm just a crazy man with access to the world. Thank you Internet!)

Goodnight!